Thursday, July 03, 2008

The best laid plans

I'm in a funk right now.

I'm feeling, oh, just slightly stressed that I'm due to have a baby in about a month. Right now, he has no name (not even a few top choices), his nursery-to-be is still pink with letters spelling "A-D-D-I-E" in it, his sisters have yet to share a room as was the goal months ago, Addie's not potty-trained (as was also the goal before his arrival), and I'm not mentally or emotionally ready. That's a post for another day.

Then there's my house. I get these rushes of a nesting instinct where I'll clean something random (did the front of all my cupboards really need to be cleaned? No.) or tackle some project I've been putting off (replacing the buttons on that dress I bought Emma at a garage sale last summer was sooo urgent), but generally, I don't have the energy to do what really needs to be done. I'm big and round, and quite frankly, mopping floors and scrubbing shower doors is not at the top of my list. But they need to be done. Is this a justifiable time to call Merry Maids?

Finally, I'm a mom. And I'm in a mom funk. Will you be able to contain your gasps if I admit that there are days I'm just not all that excited to be a mom? Again, it's a post for another day, but let me just say that a friend and I talked at length about it yesterday and she's in the same boat. Now, misery loves company, because as we talked about how we don't always feel like engaging with our kids, they kept coming up to us wanting us to play, and we were experts at "shooing" them so we could keep talking. Oh, the irony! I think in the end, we realized how selfish we were (and are in many similar situations), and after our time together, I realized I've got to make some changes. Last night I pulled out some Family Fun magazines, made a list of things I could do with the girls, and made a plan for today (because everyone knows that no plan = whiny kids and grouchy mom). I vowed that today I'd turn over a new leaf.

But when the girls woke up at 6:00 on the dot this morning, that leaf quickly withered and turned an ugly shade of brown.

I'll spare you the details of a day that went awry, but let me assure you there was little Family Fun to be had.

Let me pause for one quick note. To the couple standing in line in front of us at the post office: Did you not have young children of your own? Were you not a child yourself? When Addie whined because she wanted to hold the package, the look of disdain on your face, your eyes that rolled into the back of your head, and the sound which was similar to air being pushed out of tires, made me want to send YOU to time out. A little patience and maybe an encouraging smile to me that I'd make it through the day would've been nice. But hopefully the extra step you took to distance yourselves from us made your 30 seconds in line that much more bearable.

Okay, I feel better! (Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the patience for both them AND my girls at the post office this morning.)

All this to say, I had several posts planned out for today and was eager to sit down and pick which it would be. But instead, I'm sitting here thankful that my girls are taking quiet time seriously, sipping on a Dr. Pepper, missing my husband who is out of town, and trying to figure out how today went oh-so-wrong.

Tomorrow's a new day. Whew! Praise God for that!

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:22-24 (NIV)

13 comments:

  1. Oh, Ang...

    So been there--wanting to be excited about being a mom but finding actual excitement in short supply.

    And, yes, it's totally justified to call Merry Maids. Have them do the heavy cleaning and let yourself just maintain it!

    Joanne

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  2. Angie, you have no idea how comforting it is to read this! Sometimes I look at all the moms in my life and wonder how they have the energy, the patience, and the excitement towards being a parent--every hour of every day.

    Boys names are harder. Maybe you'll like this website? http://www.babynamewizard.com/voyager

    -Calvary Lurker

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  3. You have just expressed what I think a lot of us are not willing to admit out loud...that sometimes, we're not all that excited about being moms. I love my little one dearly, but I've done plenty of the "shooing" myself lately.

    And I would be on the phone so fast to Merry Maids, it's not even funny.

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  4. Michelle in California7/03/2008 6:44 PM

    Dear Angie, You don't know me, but I found your blog through someone else's blog. I think you're really sweet and funny. I wanted to tell you that I am a mother of 4 children ages 8, almost 7, almost 4, and 20months, and it is not selfish to have needs of your own. I clearly remember the same anxiety as the birth of my 3rd child loomed near. It's okay, it's just normal. Sometimes you do need to get away from the kids for awhile and figure out what refreshes you, so that you can come back and be an even better mommy. Girls night out, or date night, can do wonders. And it's okay to want your kids to actually play with the other kids when you are at a friends house; that's why you're there. It's okay to have a conversation with a grown up. I can totally relate, and I wanted to encourage you to not beat yourself up about how you feel, this is a difficult stage, even though it's wonderful, too. You will get through it, and it will get better, and you will look back and wonder how it flew by so fast. A verse that I keep close to my heart in my mothering is Psalm 126:5-6"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him." Love, Michelle in California
    P.S. I am glad you got to vent to the person in the post office. When your kids freak out in a public place, or cause a scene, don't you just want to disappear? I can't think of many things more humiliating than that. And then when the people around you are really nasty and ungracious about it? That's the worst. I'm so sorry that they treated you that way.

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  5. Michelle in California7/03/2008 6:54 PM

    Oh, and one more thing...it really was hilarious reading what you wrote to the post office couple; you spoke for every mother who's ever taken a child (or several) out anywhere. It was a satisfying feeling to read that! :-)
    Love, Michelle in California (again)

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  6. Hey! Thanks for coming to my bloggity blog. I just had a munchkin 6 months ago and I felt what you did. BUT, let me tell you, that new baby o mine is dang cute and I can't imagine it without her now! You're going to love it...I promise. My other ones are 9 and 8!

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  7. Don't worry about the name. Thomas had no name until he was laying on my tummy. It will just come to you. There are few people who make it through life with no name. And isn't pink becoming more and more popular for boys?

    Have you considered Gilbert? :)

    Let me know if I can take the girls for a day so you can rest, or clean the front of the cabinets in peace. My weird pregnant cleaning thing was I vacuumed the bed.

    Hang in there!

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  8. Like I said....let's not get too carried away, too fast. :) We'll get this figured out sometime in the next 18 years...maybe. :) OH, and don't worry about the potty training and sleep thing. She'd regress anyway upon arrival of Ethan. haha

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  9. Oh Angie...you are SO not alone in how you feel. Motherhood is H-A-R-D. And you're pregnant! And it's hot outside. Hang in there...

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  10. I knew a boy in college named Addie. You could just keep the letters- Dawson's favorite color until last month was pink (now it's green) so you have time! Plus, they can't read for a while anyway so he won't know even if you choose a different name!

    Next time, get the couple's license plate # and I'll have Mike put them on the continuing harassment program... heehee.

    Oh, I do like Benjamin Peter. That's what I would have been named if I had been a boy.

    Ditto on all your feelings. At least you have pregnancy as an excuse! & we would always love to have the girls anytime! We love spur of the moment...

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  11. I have a friend whose baby didn't have a name for two months and he turned out just fine.
    I have shooed my kids multiple times in the last hour just so I could read blogs.
    And...you don't even want to know what my house looks like, who needs Merry Maids when you can live in a mess like this for free:)
    PS...my nesting thing is to clean blinds.

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  12. All I have left is a list of beautiful girl names that will never be used. But how about Milo?...everyone needs a Milo.

    No matter what your job is or how much you love it, everyone has days where they don't feel like doing it at all. I know I do. Goodness, from my perspective here it seems like your girls have had the chance to experience so much during your pregnancy. When I was in that last part I crawled around from the floor to the couch giving commands like "Go get Mommy the remote and two more Oreos." And that cranberry chain you made for the birds in the winter - that project will cover you for months it was so cute.

    The verse you chose says it all - thanks for that.

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  13. Not saying this in a discouraging way...but...I've been a mom for 34 years and nine kids later I still have moments of not wanting to be a mom (just read my blog!) and right now we have 4 teens at home still.....these days come and these days go.....thankfully the Lord gives us strength for each moment that we need it...and courage too!

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