Friday, February 22, 2008

Right now...

...I have baskets of laundry that need to be folded.

I have emails I need to return.

I have phone calls I need to make.

I have a dishwasher with dishes that need to be unloaded.

I have a sink with dishes that need to be loaded.

I have an appointment I need to schedule.

I have some paperwork to finish that's long overdue.

I have taxes to gather before Monday.

I have orders that need to be filled.

I have work that I need to finish.

I have clothes on the bottom of my closet floor that needs to be washed.

I have a shower that needs to be cleaned. Bad.

I have two girls in their rooms, not because they need rest, but because I do. (Truthfully, because I didn't want to be around them in my grouchy mood.)

Make that ONE girl. Grrr.

I have a headache.

I'm way behind on my Bible Study.

I have closets filled with clothes too small for their owners.

I have returns to make leftover from Christmas.



Today...

...I wasn't showered and ready for the day until almost 11.

I let my girls watch TV because I didn't feel like "engaging." Bad mom.

I'm feeling guilty because I never exercise. Ever.

I don't have any meals planned past tonight. Wait, I don't even know what's for dinner.

I yelled at my girls.

I lost my patience with my girls.

I spanked my girls.

I turned the ringer off on my phone so no one would have to talk to me. I'm too grumpy.


Do you ever have one of these days? I'm feeling just so overwhelmed with life, I guess. I just feel incompetent as a wife, as a mom, as a friend... I never feel like I'm "on top" of anything, but always a few steps behind. I want to feel like I'm good at something. It's not cooking, it's not cleaning, it's not parenting, it's not crafty stuff, it's not correspondence, it's not planning, it's not... shall I go on? I compare myself to others and feel small and worthless. "She's more organized than me." "She's got cuter clothes than me." "She's so diligent with her quiet times." "She's so much more creative than me." "She's such a great blogger." "Her kids are so well behaved." Do you know that girl? (And no, I've got no particular person in mind. Surely I'm not the only one who does this!)

Today was not a good day on the mom front. I'm at my wit's end with some behavior issues here. It's humbling to admit it, so brace yourself, but my family is not perfect. My girls... are. not. perfect. If you were in Kohl's today, you'd agree. Or if you were at the post office. Or in my car. Or my house. I don't feel like a doormat, but somehow they walk all over me. I talk, and I feel invisible. At 2 and 4, they have their own agendas and they seem unaffected by any discipline. I have to persevere and I can't let them get me down. But how?

Wow. This post has been brought to you by Downer McWhineyton.

Okay. I don't want any comments that tell me that I'm a good mom or that I am good at something or anything nice. Maybe I just needed to vent. If you choose to comment, I want you to tell me what works for you to get your kids to behave and act like human beings who may contribute positively to society someday -or- just tell me I'm not alone and that you have cruddy days too.

I realized years ago that I'm not called to be perfect in any way. I gave up my perfectionist tendencies long ago, because not only can it never be achieved, it's just so freeing to be ME, and rest in the freedom I have through God's grace. I don't want perfection today, I just want to feel like I can keep my head above the water. I woke up suddenly this morning in a panic because I dreamed Addie drowned. I won't go into the details of the bizarre dream, but I feel like it's ME drowning. I just have to remember to go to the one and only lifeguard who can offer me true rest and safety.


"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30


"He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young."
Isaiah 40:11


Lead me, Lord. Lead me!

23 comments:

  1. Angie! I love you and you are so not alone in the way you are feeling today. As I was reading down your list of things you didn't like about today, I could mentally check off a bunch of them right along with you. It's been a hard week for us, too, with my oldest's not listening and sometimes it just doesn't feel like I can get thru to him. And I've been feeling bad this week for the selfish way I've put him in front of the TV so I didn't have to play with him, that sounds horrible doesn't it? It's hard being a mom, but I hope you can see new mercies in the morning and realize that you ARE such a great mom/wife/friend, etc. and you are "that girl" that I envy. :-) I hope you didn't struggle thru the post office for me, my face can wait for a better day! :-)

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  2. p.s. sometimes after I read too many blogs I get down on myself for all the things I'm not doing as well as other people. I really have to be careful with how much I let others' blog-portrayed lives influence me.

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  3. You are not alone. Crapola. I don't even have kids or a husband, or anyone but me, and sometimes that seems like it's way too much to take care of. I get freaked out about how I'll never ever be a good mother because I can't seem to do my dishes, the laundry, go to the store, etc. Oh my gosh, I'm ashamed to admit the last time I went... food in the house? what a novel concept.

    No, you are not alone--and I'm so thankful to find out that neither am I. At least we're out there thrashing in the water together--your secret fish gibberish will come in handy, FINALLY!

    Love you, mean it! :)

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  4. You are not alone! I love and understand you. Every mom is guilty of being overly grouchy or setting the kids up in front of the TV because you just cannot take another minute of them! And that is OK!!!! They know they are loved and that is the most important thing. Anytime you need you can drop off your monkeys with me, Henry would love to have some playmates around here!Just remember what you told all of us at MOPS. The days are long, but the years are short.
    Love Ya!

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  5. Angie, Somehow you always nail down how I am feeling at the moment. I am so glad that you write it down and I take the trail over to your blog. I take so much comfort in knowing I'm not alone!! I love that part about the freeing part of just being ME. Thanks for sharing!!

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  6. I feel like this far too often. I'm in the process of letting go of my perfectionist tendencies so I am still extra hard on myself. You have two kids at very difficult ages so in a way I am lucky to only have a 4 year old because the 1 year old is still pretty easy. If you could see my house, me, and the kids right now you'd know that I feel just how you do at this moment and I have company coming soon! AHHHH!!! I wish I had some advice but I think God gives us the greatest advice and peace and I need to work on having half as much faith in that as you do!

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  7. Oh my friend. ALL honest Mommies have days (weeks months) like that. I have plunked my kids in front of the TV or computer so often the last few months, I feel like we should have stock in Noggin.

    I have no advice on misbehaving children, simply because I bet what you're already doing is working. The hardest part is being consistent and not giving up. When I've talked to friends about discipline issues -- no matter what they are -- it so often comes back to that.

    If you can, take a break, take a nap, read some encouraging words from our Jesus -- and remember that you are not alone, and that you are LOVED!

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  8. Angie...you are SO not alone. I think you're in one of the hardest stages of motherhood AND you're pregnant to boot!

    Hang in there!

    (((Hugs)))

    Meredith

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  9. I'm right there with you! I have felt that way sooooooo many days!
    To everything there is a season....
    Love you!

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  10. You're not alone and I totally have days like that too. But mine was Wednesday instead of Friday. Praying for you...

    Joanne

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  11. Angie,

    That comment from "Jeff" was not some creepy guy checking out your life. It's, Christi, Michelle's friend, and I posted under my husband's name - woops.

    Hope you are having a better day today - it all can change in an instant for me, bad or good.

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  12. I love you, Angie, because you are so real. :) I feel that way and even worse on most days.
    Those two verses are two of my favorites! I've been reading them over and over the past few months. I think it's neat that you know them too.

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  13. Angie-

    Being pregnant probably has something to do with it. My kids are responding to mommy's lack of abilities, also. Misbehaving and taking advantage of my tiredness and anxiousness about how I'm going to add one more child to my busy day. My solution: often, we all go to God together. We cry out to Jesus that mommy is not able to be on top of anything while I'm pregant and that we need His help for mommy's attitude and Joshie and Jojo's attitudes. I've also been praying that God would put on their little hearts His love for mommy so that they would be convicted when they take advantage of my "weaknesses." Oh how glad I am that in my weakness He really is strong. The only way I've ever been able to turn the sails of being overwhelmed around is by getting on my knees. Sometimes I need to make myself trip over something to get in that position but it's always worth the effort. Psalm 138:8 The Lord will fufill His purpose for me, Your love, O lord endures forever, do not abandon the works of your hands." He has great plans for you, Angie, and His kingdom purposes always prevail no matter how inadequate we are to finish the task. Love, Becky

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  14. Ang- are you sure you're not just describing me??? Really, I feel that describes me much more than you! :)
    I am right here with you!
    So, let's be imperfect together- keep playing at each others' messy houses and tell our husbands it's ok!
    Here's to surviving another day!
    love, amber

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  15. Angie, thank you for being so real. Michelle mentioned about reading too many blogs and getting down. I've done that before too. It is often such an incomplete picture.

    I am feeling clean out of words of wisdom right now. I loved the comment above quoting you (I think): the days are long, but the years are short.

    Any honest mom has been where you are. I often pray that my children will have a general memory that I was (am) not perfect, but that the details would be hazy:).

    I love you!

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  16. You are so NOT alone!!! I felt like you were writing about me. I have been in that state of mind for a couple of months now (I still have a box of Christmas gifts in my car that need to be mailed!). But even though my house is upside down and there are days when there is not a clean fork in the house or a matched up pair of socks - as long as we are together and a family - it is going to be okay.

    As for what works to get the kids to listen - when you figure it out - let the rest of us know. I have tried taking things away, time out, spanking.....I am praying it is just a phase and one of these days she will just go OK Mom - whatever you say (I can dream, right)

    May tomorrow be a better day :-)

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  17. I just wrote a very similar post... I blew it by 7:30 this morning, and am ready to go back to bed and hide under the covers. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, but I am too, and it comforted me to read your words, so thank you for sharing.

    I pray tomorrow will be better- for both of us and all the mother mommy's who also aren't perfect! I am so glad God's grace is new each day (and each minute!). I am going to try to salvage this one:-)

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  18. You are so not alone. I could have written this post myself.

    Love you and praying for you,

    Heather

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  19. Thank you for being so real. I'm a stranger but have bookmarked your blog and read it every week. I too am a stay at home mom. I too happen to be in my second trimester (as it happens, we too lost a baby this last summer - in June; 13 weeks). My husband is often gone to work before our child wakes and comes home with an hour before bedtime. Reading your blog helps me realize I'm not going crazy and I'm not alone. Your blog is filled with examples of your faith which has inspired me to find mine again. So anyway, keep faith! Deut 31:8

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  20. "I don't want any comments that tell me that I'm a good mom or that I am good at something or anything nice. Maybe I just needed to vent. " Hee hee...this tickled me for some reason. Ahhh, I understand, friend, I do.

    You are way on the right path with coming to His feet with your burdens to rest. That's what I try to do.

    Praying for you, friend!
    Much love,
    holly

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  21. Hey Angie,

    It's been a while since you've posted. Are you okay?

    Praying for you this morning!

    Joanne

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  23. you are not not alone !
    I found your blog from a friend of a friend, my bloging friends and I have a club it's the fellowship of the broken or tFOB for short. You are welcome anytime thanks for being so real

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