On the eve of 22 weeks

I'm getting ready to go to bed even though all day - all week - I've been anxious about going to bed tonight, especially with Gary out of town. Eight months ago I went to bed on the eve of being 22 weeks pregnant and spent a restless night holding my belly and praying my baby was still alive. (Click here for Joshua's story)

I honestly have no fear that tonight will be a repeat of that horrible night. It's not that I don't think it could happen again because that truth is all too real for me, but I just have a peace about whatever happens. God has shown me so much of Himself in the last eight months, and has given me full confidence that He is with me no matter what. We made it through that horrible time, but not without His strength.

And so tonight, I'll go upstairs and crawl into bed confident. Not confident that tragedy will pass me by, but confident that should I get the bitter taste of it again, that God will take care of me. I've no reason to think that this baby will die too, and in fact, I've felt it kicking a lot tonight, praise God! But our past experiences shape us, and although I would've liked to turn in tonight without thinking about it, it's just become part of who I am. The last few weeks I have felt the baby move frequently, but have been almost too preoccupied by its movement. I often wake up in the middle of the night, just waiting for it to kick, reminiscent of that night back in August.

Lord, be with me tonight. Help me to feel your presence and know that you are near, protecting me and protecting this baby. Take away my fears and give me a restful night. Tonight, create dreams for me of green pastures and quiet waters, and not the valley that I know too well. Thank you for never leaving my side during the dark and shadowy times, and for blessing me and giving me gifts far beyond what I deserve. You are a big, amazing God who loves me more than I can fathom.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 23: 1-4