Thursday, October 25, 2007

He knew

I was flipping through a devotional that I began over the summer (but unfortunately haven't finished). It's David: 90 Days with a Heart Like His, by Beth Moore. It's amazing and I highly recommend it. My plan was to start it on June 1st and end it on September 1st. And then I was going to do the Jesus: 90 Days with the One and Only devotional from September 1st through December 1st, just in time for Christmas. Great plan, right? Okay, so it didn't happen. I'm still on David. But I'm not giving up, I'll just keep on truckin'. (By the way, click on this link if you want to see those devos.)

Anyway, sometime in early to mid-June I was on Day 5 (hey, I'm being honest. I could've said it was June 5th and that I was right on track). I was reading about Hannah praying for Samuel and ultimately giving him to the Lord.

Near the end Beth asked this question, "What works the hardest against your heartfelt desire for your children to be used by God in whatever way He chooses and desires?"

My answer was this: "I just can't stand the thought of them being taken from me. I wouldn't knowingly put them in dangerous situations - but God might! That scares me. The thought of them dying and being taken from their earthly home, even in the context of it being for God's glory, is unbearable to think about. But it happens. I just want them to be safe and happy and healthy, but I know God's plan doesn't always mean those things."

I had no idea that in just a few short months I would indeed be giving my child over to God. When we kissed Joshua's cheek and handed him over to the nurse, sobbing and feeling so empty, we recognized that it was the Lord we were giving our son to. I might've handed him over almost eight weeks ago, but I feel like I've done it every day since. Not a single day has gone by that I've not revisited the day we lost him. The burden of losing our son is so great - too great to do alone. Every day I have had to give my sorrow to the Lord and lean on Him.

Hannah prayed for a son that she vowed to give over to the Lord for all the days of his life. She did so during his life, not his death, but I still feel a similarity. Day 5 of this David devotional really stuck with me, and I know it's no accident that I read it. I think it was preparing my heart for what was to come. Hannah gave Samuel over to do great things for the Lord, and I know that Joshua's short life has brought glory to God as well. Gary even shared with me the other night that he's almost thankful for what happened because of what the result has been. We've grown closer and stronger in our marriage, we've become aware of the loving community surrounding us and have learned how to love others as a result, and we've been able to share our testimony and dependence on God through our strife. Even at my MOPS group on Tuesday morning I was able to share briefly what happened, but it opened the door to talk to other moms who are hurting. I was surprised by the number of moms who spoke with me afterward, either relating their own experiences or just thanking me for opening their eyes to the hurt others have been through.

I ended Day 5 ended with this prayer: "Thank you for today's lesson, Lord. What a good and faithful mom Hannah was. Please show me how to pass my faith on to my children and teach them about You every day. It's a scary calling with HUGE responsibilities. Help me to be a mom like Hannah who willing hands my children over to you."

Joshua's death wasn't my idea. But even had he lived, I would've had to hand him over to God, just like I try to do with the girls daily. I can only continue to pray what I did back in June, that I can be like Hannah, and give my children over to the Lord willingly. It's kind of hard to swallow the fact that back in June God knew Joshua would die. But He's a good God, whose purpose in taking Joshua wasn't malicious. He put this devotional in my hands in time for His truth to marinate my heart before my world was shaken. He knew.


  1. And He still knows.

    Beautiful post, Angie. Isn't God faithful?

    Still praying for you. Every day.

  2. Isn't it amazing how he prepares our hearts even when we don't realize it? God has definitely even used your experience to help some of my friends here! So his purposes are greater than we can even imagine.

  3. My dear amaze me. What a heart you have. You are such a gift to me and as you share your experience and thoughts, I see you as I never have before. I too know the GOODNESS of our Lord. He did know what was in store for you- what a powerful message he placed on your heart that day. An incredible foreshadowing that I pray you continue to draw strengnth from each and every day! I love you!

  4. Thank you for this post. Thank you for letting God use you during this difficult season. Such a good reminder and challenge.

  5. Angie.. you are so beautiful, and your heart for the Lord is more beautiful still. I'm so blessed to have found your blog today. In reading back over the posts, I have cried with you, prayed for you, and given thanks to God for your testimony of faith. You are an amazing example of the difference Christ makes in a life. Thank you for sharing with us.


  6. Dear Angie,

    I stumbled upon your blog while reading comments on the LPM Blog. Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerablity in this post. Your words blessed me. I recently experienced a loss and while they are very different circumstances I understand the hurt and need to lean on the Lord. I will be praying for you and your family as you continue to receive the Lord's healing from this pain.


  7. Angie,
    Yes God does know! We serve an awesome Lord. I am so blessed to have found your blog...and many others like yours...that have challenged my faith over the past few weeks of reading them and inspired me to step it up on my Christian walk and as a mother and wife. You have no idea the many people your life has touched. Thank you for being willing to be transparent! I'm continuing to pray for you and your husband.

  8. Oh Angie. You are inspiring! You are so right too. The hardest thing for me is thinking about my son leaving me to do God's work... no matter how wonderful, danger could lurk! Wow... I love reading your blog.

  9. I've also had a situation where it was hard to swallow, knowing that God knew my world was about to be shaken. It's still hard for me to process it, several years later. But I do know that he was with me through it all.
    As he is with you. ::hug::

    I love Beth Moore. I wish our church did stuff like that. I wish our church -or any church around here- did MOPS!


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